• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes.
  • I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  • I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
  • I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
  • I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

the most toys

Capitalism He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism There is no toy maker.
Polytheism There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist We are the toys.
Communism Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
Baha’i All toys are just fine with us.
Amish Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo Let me borrow that doll for a second…
Hedonisim Hang the rule book! Let’s play!
7th Day Adventist He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist Once played always played.
Jehovah’s Witnesses He who “places” the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play

Rules For Men

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the Game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
Simple Duties
You make the bed +1
… but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
… in the snow +8
… but return with beer -5
… and no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
… and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
… you pummel it with a six iron +10
… it’s her cat -40
At the Party
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
… named Tiffany. -4
… Tiffany is a dancer -10
… with breast implants -18
Her Birthday
You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
A Night Out With The Boys
Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Porsche -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED) -15
A Night Out With Her
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It’s called Death Cop 3 -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” -800
The Big Question
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You hesitate in responding. -10
You reply, “Where?” -35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass” -100
Any other response -20
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
… you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
… you relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
… your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?” -50
… you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200


1. "I think it should  be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell  proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of  the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often  needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3.  "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every  restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an  excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits  and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"

7. "The beach  was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our  room."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.  Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

10.  "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very  distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. "

12. "No one told  us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

13.  "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was  no egg-slicer in the drawers."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had  a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The  roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during  the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things  that would have made our holiday more fun."

16. "It took us nine hours  to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to  get home. This seems unfair."

17. "I compared the size of our  one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly  smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'.  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for  service."

19. "There were too many Spanish people there. The  receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there  would be so many foreigners."

20. "We had to line up outside to catch  the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a  tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we  travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention  mosquitoes."

23. "My fiancĂ© and I requested twin-beds when we booked,  but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you  responsible and want to be re-embursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we  booked."