- I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes.
- I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
- I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
- I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
- I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
- I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
- I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
- I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
… the most toys
Capitalism | He who dies with the most toys, wins. |
Hari Krishna | He who plays with the most toys, wins. |
Judaism | He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins. |
Catholicism | He who denies himself the most toys, wins. |
Anglican | They were our toys first. |
Greek Orthodox | No, they were OURS first. |
Branch Davidians | He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. |
Atheism | There is no toy maker. |
Polytheism | There are many toy makers. |
Evolutionism | The toys made themselves. |
Church of Christ, Scientist | We are the toys. |
Communism | Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours. |
Baha’i | All toys are just fine with us. |
Amish | Toys with batteries are surely a sin. |
Taoism | The doll is as important as the dumptruck. |
Mormonism | Every boy may have as many toys as he wants. |
Voodoo | Let me borrow that doll for a second… |
Hedonisim | Hang the rule book! Let’s play! |
7th Day Adventist | He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. |
Church of Christ | He whose toys make music, loses. |
Baptist | Once played always played. |
Jehovah’s Witnesses | He who “places” the most toys door-to-door, wins. |
Pentecostalism | He whose toys can talk, wins. |
Existentialism | Toys are a figment of your imagination. |
Confucianism | Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry. |
Non-denominationalism | We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play |
Rules For Men
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and
you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You
don’t get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the
way the Game is played.Here is a guide to the points system:
Simple Duties | |
You make the bed | +1 |
… but forget to add the decorative pillows | 0 |
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets | -1 |
You leave the toilet seat up | -5 |
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty | 0 |
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex | -1 |
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom | -2 |
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings | +5 |
… in the snow | +8 |
… but return with beer | -5 |
… and no liners | -25 |
You check out a suspicious noise at night | 0 |
… and it is nothing | 0 |
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something | +5 |
… you pummel it with a six iron | +10 |
… it’s her cat | -40 |
At the Party | |
You stay by her side the entire party | 0 |
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy | -2 |
… named Tiffany. | -4 |
… Tiffany is a dancer | -10 |
… with breast implants | -18 |
Her Birthday | |
You remember her birthday | 0 |
You buy a card and flowers | 0 |
You take her out to dinner | 0 |
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar | +1 |
Okay, it is a sports bar | -2 |
And it’s all-you-can-eat night | -3 |
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team | -10 |
A Night Out With The Boys | |
Go with a pal | 0 |
The pal is happily married | +1 |
The pal is single | -7 |
He drives a Porsche | -10 |
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED) | -15 |
A Night Out With Her | |
You take her to a movie | +2 |
You take her to a movie she likes | +4 |
You take her to a movie you hate | +6 |
You take her to a movie you like | -2 |
It’s called Death Cop 3 | -3 |
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans | -9 |
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans | -15 |
Your Physique | |
You develop a noticeable pot belly | -15 |
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it | +10 |
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts | -30 |
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” | -800 |
The Big Question | |
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You hesitate in responding. | -10 |
You reply, “Where?” | -35 |
You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass” | -100 |
Any other response | -20 |
Communication | |
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression | 0 |
… you listen, for over 30 minutes | +5 |
… you relate to her problem and share a similar experience | +50 |
… your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?” | -50 |
… you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV | +100 |
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep | -200 |
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK
HOLIDAYS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"
7. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
10. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. "
12. "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
13. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
15. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
19. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
20. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
23. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-embursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US!!
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"
7. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
10. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. "
12. "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
13. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
15. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
19. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
20. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
23. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-embursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US!!
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