Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was genuinely flattered when an absolute stranger approached her and said the nicest thing about her tits.
“They say chivalry is dead, but without any prompting or encouragement, this man on the street—someone I had never met in my life—came right up to me and complimented me on my breasts,” said Phillips, noting that the amorous gentleman paid further praise to her figure by calling on other passersby to “get a load of that rack!”
“And to think I’d just been walking along with my head down trying to ignore everyone in my path.
It’s really nice to know there are people out there kind and thoughtful!”
“It made my whole day” she said!

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.
Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.
And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”
“No”, says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon from Toronto says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second from Montreal responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon from Saskatchewan says, “No, I really think librarians are the best!   Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon from Vancouver chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’
But the fifth surgeon from Ottawa shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine… Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.
“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs!”
“Blowjobs!” the woman replied.
“It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.
The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.”

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A Scotsman suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
 He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “Nae health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “Nae money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Would ye send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”
His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”
“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.
An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, “I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?”
“Calm down,” the bus driver says, “I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies.”
Being old has some perks
  • There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
  • Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
  • You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.
  • You can sing along with elevator music.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
  • Your eyes won’t get too much worse.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you???? “
  • You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
  • In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run — anywhere. You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
  • You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…