> girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged
> man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off
> him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
> directly toward her. (As all men will.)
>
> Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, He leaned
> over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything,that
> you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…..on one condition.”
> (There are always conditions)
>
> Flabbergasted, The woman asked what the condition was. The manreplied,
> “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words,”
> (controlling huh)?
>
> The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a
> $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with
> her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully,
> said….
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> “Clean my house”
——————————————————-
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either!
—————————————————
The Rectal Exam
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has ever gone before!”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of them all…
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
—————————————————-
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I ask. “They will grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
I stop. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
———————————————————–
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
——————————————————-
A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate “nasty women stuff” isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, ” I know it’s none of my business, but weren’t you looking for tampons?”
The man replies, ” Yeah, but then I remembered the last time I sent my wife out to get me cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because it was cheaper. So this time she can roll her own.”
—————————————————-
The Man Club Commandments
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss’ car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you’ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend’s birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
14.) Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) *REMOVED*
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men’s Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call ‘BULLSHIT!’.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCK OFF!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club
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