Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
———————————–Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa .
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age;
we were the same size as cubs. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit
out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the
shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.’
——————————————
A sweet grandmother telephoned the Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, Dear. What’s the name and room number?
The grandmother said, “Holly Finkel, room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record say’s that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just
came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful, I was worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “you’re more that welcome. Is Holly your daughter?”
The Grandmother said, “No, I’m Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me SHIT.”
————————————————
72 Facts That Will Actually Teach You Something
1. Chocolate milk was invented in Ireland.
2. You can’t breathe and swallow at the same time.
3. The girlfriend of the guy who founded Match.com left him for a man she met on Match.com.
4. This is what it looks like when a star meets a black hole:
5. Ketchup used to be sold as medicine.
6. The oldest person on Earth was born closer to the signing of the United States Constitution than to now.
7. Also, when the oldest person on Earth was born, there was a completely different set of people on the planet.
8. Coconuts kill more people than sharks every year. So do cows.
9. German is the second most spoken language in North Dakota.
10. Norway once knighted a penguin.
11. The official state VEGETABLE of Oklahoma is the watermelon.
12. The official Space Jam website has not changed since 1996.
13. A day on the planet Venus is longer than a year on Venus.
14. If you are in a room with 23 people, there’s more than a 50% chance that two of the people have the same birthday.
15. A TI-83 calculator has six times more processing power than the computer that landed Apollo 11 on the moon.
16. This is what an eclipse on Earth looks like from space:
17. Cambridge University is older than the Aztec and Inca empires.
18. And Harvard University was founded before calculus was derived.
19. George Washington was 48 years old when Beethoven was born.
20. The last veteran of the American Civil War died in 1959, long enough to see the atomic bomb dropped in Japan.
21. There are more ways to shuffle a deck of cards than there are atoms on Earth.
22. 111,111,111 × 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.
23. Cows have best friends and they tend to spend most of their time together.
24. Horses cannot breath through their mouths.
25. The names of Popeye’s four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye.
26. In the ’60s, Australia lost a prime minister and could not find him. He disappeared and was never found.
27. If you folded a piece of paper 42 times, it would reach to the moon.
28. Light roast coffees have more caffeine than dark roasts.
29. There is a basketball court on the top floor of the U.S. Supreme Court Building. It’s known as the “highest court in the land.”
30. A pig’s orgasm can last for 30 minutes.
31. The day of his assassination, Martin Luther King Jr. got in a pillow fight in his hotel room.
32. New York City is further south than Rome, Italy.
33. Scotland is as far north as Alaska is.
34. Not only is Reno, Nev., west of Los Angeles, but so are six other state capitals.
35. If you’re in Detroit and you walk south, the first country you’ll enter will be Canada.
36. A “butt load” is an actual unit of measurement, equivalent to 126 gallons.
37. There are more people living inside this circle than outside of it:
38. France is the country with the most time zones in the world — more than the U.S. or Russia.
39. There is less time between the existence of the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the existence of humans than there was between the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Stegosaurus.
40. Crocodiles are more closely related to birds than to lizards.
41. Africa is bigger than the United States, China, India, Spain, France, and several other countries combined.
42. Butterflies taste with their feet.
43. A jiffy is an actual unit of time, not just an expression. It’s equal to 33.3564 picoseconds.
44. The lint that collects in the bottom of your pockets has a name — gnurr.
45. A cubic inch of bone is about four times as strong as concrete.
46. You can get a rough estimate of the temperature by counting the number of times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds, then adding 37.
47. There are more lakes in Canada than in the rest of the world combined.
48. The feeling you get when something is so cute you can’t help but want to squeeze it is called “cute aggression.”
49. “Will Will Smith smith?” and “Will Smith will smith” are sentences that make complete sense.
50. There are more public libraries than McDonald’s in the U.S.
51. The voices of Yoda and Miss Piggy were done by the same person.
52. AOL still earns more than $100 million every few months from dial-up subscribers.
53. There are more tigers living in Texas than in the rest of the world.
54. This is how a ladybug flies:
55. It’s possible to sail a boat from Pakistan to Russia if you sail in a completely straight line.
56. On average, astronauts are two inches taller in space.
57. Shakespeare and Pocahontas were alive at the same time.
58. And Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln were born on the same day.
59. There are some trees alive today that were alive before the pyramids were built.
60. Air Force One is not the name of a specific plane, but the name of any plane carrying the president.
61. Ohio is the only U.S. state that doesn’t share any letters with the word “mackerel.”
62. When you yawn and stretch at the time, you are “pandiculating.”
63. It’s impossible to hum while holding your nose.
64. The current American flag was designed by a 17-year-old as a class project. He received a B-.
65. Wombat poop is square.
66. Albino snails exist:
67. The United States is an older country than Germany.
68. The Mongolian navy consists of seven people and one boat.
69. There is enough iron in your body to make a 2-inch nail.
70. When you receive a kidney transplant, instead of the affected kidney being removed, it’s left in and a third one is put in your pelvis.
71. One million seconds is 11 days. One billion seconds is 33 years. A billion is a lot.
72. And, just in case you forgot, the brain named itself.
———————————————————————
No comments:
Post a Comment