The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my pet fish.”
“Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let ‘em swim ’round for a while. Then I whistle
and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take ‘em home.”
“That’s a bunch of BS! Fish can’t do that!”
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show you. It really works.”
“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” said the man.
“When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
We here in New Brunswick, may not be as smart as some, but we ain’t as dumb as most.
“Hey, Mom,” asked Ralph. “Will you lend me five dollars?”
“If you do,” he went on, “I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
The woman’s ears perked and, grabbing her pocketbook, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”
“He said, “Hey, Marion, make sure you do my socks tomorrow.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
“I’m the smartest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”
“You don’t have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!”
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.
“The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
“The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
“The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw.
We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
“The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cows pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck