Sunday Morning Funnies #8

Needless to say, this joke was given to me by my Scottish wife:


How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below. 

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police  Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Australian Police  Officer:

BANG !

American Police  Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !


Glasgow Police  Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

------------------------------------------

Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

 

Jim turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

 

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.'
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

 

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'

The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

 

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

 

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

 

'Yes, I do have a house.'

 

And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

 

'Yes, I have a family.' 

 

I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

 

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

 

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is 
signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

'Logic?' Bob says, 'What's that?'

 

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No!’

'Then you're queer!’

---------------------------------------------

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
expression “I presume”.
 

One  little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand
washed the dinner dishes
And I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of
the garage,
I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”

That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says:
“Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house
With a newspaper under his arm and headed for the woods, I presume that...

The teacher interrupts him and says, “I stopped you because you have
no idea what your grandfather was going to do,so you can’t presume anything."

Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the woods with a
newspaper under his arm.

I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

---------------------------------------

From the TV Show Cheers!

Hey Norm!

This is gleaned from a posting by Raymond Chen at U.C. Berkeley May 6 1991.

At the time the following had been checked against videotapes (of the TV show Cheers) (in chronological order):

No Help Wanted
Coach:	Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm:	No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
Coach:	How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:	Hey, I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
Fortune and Men's Weights:
Coach:	How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm:	I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
Coach:	What's up, Norm?
Norm:	Corners of my mouth, Coach.
Snow Job:
Coach:	What's shaking, Norm?
Norm:	All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
Coach:	Beer, Normie?
Norm:	Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young.
Norman's Conquest:
	[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
Coach:	Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm:	With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
Coach:	What's up, Normie?
Norm:	The temperature under my collar, Coach.
Diane Meets Mom:
Coach:	What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm:	Going down?
	[Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach:	What's up, Norm?
Norm:	Everything that's supposed to be.
Peterson Crusoe:
[Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.]
Norm:	[mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
All:	Norm? (Norman?)
The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:
Sam:	What's new, Normie?
Norm:	Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.
King of the Hill:
Coach:	What'll it be, Normie?
Norm:	Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
The Mail Goes to Jail:
Coach:	What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:	Daddy wuvs you.
Behind Every Great Man:
Sam:	What'd you like, Normie?
Norm:	A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
Norm:	Afternoon, everybody.
Cliff:	Afternoon, everybody.
All:	[silence]
The Executive's Executioner:
Sam:	What will you have, Norm?
Norm:	Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam:	Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm:	Call me Mister Lucky.
Birth, Death, Love and Rice:
Sam:	What do you say, Norm?
Norm:	Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
Woody Goes Belly Up:
Sam:	What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:	Hiya, sailor. New in town?
Diane's Nightmare:
Norm:	[coming in the from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All:	Norm! (Norman!)
Sam:	Still pouring, Norm?
Norm:	That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:
Sam:	What's the good word, Norm?
Norm:	Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam:	Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm:	Yeah, yeah, yeah ...
Sam:	One heartburn cocktail coming up.
Love Thy Neighbor:
Sam:	Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm:	Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
The Bar Stoolie:
Woody:	What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
The Triangle:
Woody:	What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Elope with my wife.
[Norm is angry.]
Woody:	What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Clifford Clavin's head.
Take My Shirt ... Please?
Woody:	How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
The Peterson Principle:
Sam:	Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm:	Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
Tan 'n Wash:
Paul:	Hey, Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm:	Like a baby treats a diaper.
Norm:	Hey, everybody.
All:	[Silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
Norm:	Norm! (Norman!)
How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
Home is the Sailor:
[The bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around the world and sold the bar.]
Norm:	Hey, everybody.
Woody:	Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything]
Norm:	That's it, I'm leaving.
Norm:	[comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer, as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
Customer:	Norm!
Norm:	[quietly] Not now!
Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:
Woody:	Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
A Kiss is Still a Kiss:
Sam:	How's life treating you?
Norm:	It's not, Sammy, but you can!
Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:
Woody:	Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	A little early, isn't it, Woody?
Woody:	For a beer?
Norm:	No, for stupid questions.
Airport V:
Woody:	What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.
One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:
Pepe:	[Something in Spanish]
Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:
Woody:	Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm:	I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
Don't Paint Your Chickens:
Sam:	Beer, Norm?
Norm:	Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
Call Me, Irresponsible:
Woody:	What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
Two Girls For Every Boyd:
Sam:	What can I get you, Norm
Norm:	[scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
Feeble Attraction:
Woody:	Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm:	Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:
Sam:	What are you up to, Norm?
Norm:	My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
Loverboyd:
Woody:	Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm:	You mean, "Nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson."
Veggie-Boyd:
Sam:	What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm:	Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
It's a Wonderful Wife:
Woody:	What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Another layer for the winter, Wood.

At the time the following had not been checked against videotapes (of the TV show Cheers) (in chronological order):

Woody:	How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Poor.
Woody:	I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm:	No, I mean pour.
Sam:	How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm:	Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.
Norm:	Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts.
Sam:	What's going down, Normie?
Norm:	My butt cheeks on that bar stool.
Sam:	How's life in the fast lane?
Norm:	Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp.
Woody:	Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	Alright, but stop me at one ... make that one-thirty.
Sam:	What's the story, Norm?
Norm:	Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
Sam:	How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:	That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!
Woody:	What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:	The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody.
Sam:	What's up, Normie?
Norm:	My nipples, it's freezing out there.