Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”
The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her.”
3. After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.The first reads “Hamburger: $5,” the second reads “Cheeseburger: $6,” and the third reads “Handjob: $10.” As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, “What can I do for you, hon?”
“Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” asked the trucker.
“Why yes,” answered the woman with a knowing smile. “Yes I am.”
“Well then go wash your fucking hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.
“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
She said, “You did that yesterday.”
I replied, “I wasn’t finished.”
The man says, “I’m a snail.”
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, “Well, who is she?”
The man answers, “Michelle.”