Sunday Morning Funnies # 909

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

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SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for printing this.

Just couldn't help it!

Little voices made me do it!

And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you? 

                                         

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At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. 

Whatever possessed you to say that?"

 Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:

 "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

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Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! - Eugene

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom

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A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.  I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!" 

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A man lived next door to a monk. He constantly heard a strange noise coming from the house. Well, at first he tried to just ignore it. But after a little while he just couldn’t take it so he went and knocked on the monk’s door. The monk opened the door and said, “Yes, can I help you?” The man asked, “I’d like to know what that noise coming from your house is.” The monk replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.” So the man asked, “How do I become a monk then?” The monk said, “Well, to start, you must go the next 5 years eating only potato chips.” So the man, determined to find out what that noise was, went home and spent the next 5 years eating only potato chips. Finally, he returned to the monk and said, “OK, it’s been 5 years and I’ve only eaten potato chips. Now can I know what that noise is?” The monk replied, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now you must go 7 years and drink nothing but water.” Well, the man wasn’t looking forward to waiting 7 more years. But as he had already come 5 years, and he was determined to find the source of that noise, he went home and drank nothing but water for 7 years. When finally he reached the end of those 7 long years, he once again returned to the monk and said, “It’s been 7 years and I’ve drank nothing but water, now can I find out what that noise is?” The monk said, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now we must test your faith. Go to the highest cliff in the area and jump off.” Well, the man had come this far and he wasn’t going to back down, so he went to the highest cliff and jumped. Luckily, there was a safety net at the bottom of the cliff, and when he climbed out the monk was waiting for him. The monk led him back to his house and said, “You have passed the tests, you are now a monk. I assume you now wish to know what causes the noise you have been hearing?” The man replied, “Oh God yes, I’ve waited over 12 years to find out.” So the monk gestured for him to follow and led him down the stairs into the basement. Once in the basement, the monk opened a door which led into a tunnel. The monk told the man to go to the end of the tunnel. So the man started walking, it went on for ages, but finally he reached the end. There was only one more door between him and the source of the noise, he could tell. Slowly he grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door. In the room he saw…I’m sorry I can’t tell you what he saw.

 
 You’re not a monk!