Sunday Morning Funnies #6

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. 

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him..

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.  

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. 

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies: 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. 

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator:      'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.' 

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>>> With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

>>>

>>> As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

>>>

>>> Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had a few drinks. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

>>>

>>> That's when I did something I tend not to do - I took a taxi home!

>>>

>>> Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

>>>

>>> This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

>>>

>>> So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

(SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED TO ME DURING MY DRINKING DAYS, EXCEPT IT WAS A CITY BUS!)

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Now this is an 'oldie' but 'goodie!"

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin R,
Bricklayer. 

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AND FINALLY:

 

In the days just before the final judgement, Satan decides to be lienient on the next three Humans to fall. And chooses to test them for a return to Life.

The first guy: An alcoholic, who in his gluttonous state, drank himself to death. Was given the option to spend 100 years in a locked room with only the best Beverages ever known. He Gladly accepted and was locked away.

The second guy: An Adulterer, Died of a heartattack while cheating on his wife, took the option of 100 years in a room with the most beautiful women to have ever lived. He, as well, accepted the offer. In turn was lock away.

The Third: Your Hippy next door. The First ever known, Marijuana overdose, was given 100 years In the largest field of the Greatest strains of weed ever created. Like the others, he is happier than a pig in shit, and is locked away.

100 years later:

Guy 1: The Alchoholic, Is released and stumbles out of the room Fat, Bloated, disgusting, And with a 100 year hang over. “I swear, I’ll never Ever Drink again.” Pleased with the out come, Satan gives him another chance at living.

Guy 2: The Adulterer, upon the door opening, he comes out, reaking of perfume, with the best hair in the Underworld, And Queer as a three dollar bill. “I don’t think I’ll ever look at women the same way again.”
Amuzed Satan releases him the land of the living.

Guy 3: The Pothead… After opening the door Satan sees that hardly any of the crops have been touched and after wandering around for a few minutes he hears someone crying softly. He finds the Pothead in a shallow hole. “What’s wrong?” Satan asks. With a tear in his eye, The Pothead looks up and says “You got a lighter, Man?”