Sunday Morning Funnies # 55

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.  A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age? 

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

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I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.’

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When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!” 

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 Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'An ambulance.’ 

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The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have  gotten to be really good friends. 

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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 Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. 

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Warning about E-Bay

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.  

Someone just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

They  sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight." 

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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Stay Off Your Bicycle

My wife Andrea found out 

that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the 

veterinarian.

The vet found that the 

problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and 

the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to 

tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she 

should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub 

it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and 

bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the 

pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, 

don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using 

it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If 

you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of 

days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not 

using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using 

it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, 

"Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

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