Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Sunday Morning Funnies # 4

Dear Friends:



I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all, here in Canada... I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. 

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical  coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no... I was paroled."

---------------------------


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.
'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because on your driving license it says you got an "F" in sex'!

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·  If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

 ·      Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

 
·      Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 
·      I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and  procrastinate all at once. 

·      If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 
·      Take my advice — I'm not using it.

 
·      My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

·      Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

 
·      Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

·      Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

 
·      Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 
·      He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 
·      Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

 
·      I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

 
·      Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 
·      I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. 

 ·      If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 
·      If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

·      Money is the root of all wealth.

 
·      No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


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BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT:

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100..
 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is.... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER. 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"