Dear Friends:
He said, "Up until last week, I
still had it all, here in Canada... I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no... I was
paroled."
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
· Take my advice — I'm not using it.
· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
I talked to a to a homeless man this
morning and asked him how he ended up this
way.
He said, "Up until last week, I
still had it all, here in Canada... I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical
coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked,
"What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
---------------------------
A mother is
driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy', the little
girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are
not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.
'OK', the little
girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'
'Now really', the
mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your
business'.
Undaunted, the
little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough
questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated
mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell
me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the
friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report
card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night
the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is
surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that
you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past
surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little
girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the
mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because on your driving license it says
you got an "F" in sex'!
------------------------------
· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me
unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
· Today a man
knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming
pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
· If you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
· Take my advice — I'm not using it.
· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
· Hospitality is the art of making
guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
· Ever stop to think and forget to
start again?
· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
· If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
· Money is the root of all wealth.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-----------------------
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT:
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K.
Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100..
Must sell washer and dryer £100..
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is.... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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