Sunday Morning Funnies #634

Bobbitt Family Update  

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...?

?

 A Misdewiener!

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Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older 

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart If you see an old man with a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here,  today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow. 

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

  ----------------------

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
 

In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."
 
On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels 
 

 At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place" 

 

 On a Plumber's truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 

 

 On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 

 

 At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 
"Invite us to your next blowout." 

 

 On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 

 

 In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 

 

 On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push." 

 

 At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." 

 

 Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 

 

 In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 

 

 At the Electric Company 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don't, YOU will be delighted." 

 

 In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." 

 

 In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait." 

At a Propane Filling Station: 
"Thank heaven for little grills" 

 

 CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: 
"Best place in town to take a leak." 

 

 And the best one for last... 
 

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Only In
This Stupid World
.....do drugstores make the sick walk
All the way to the back of the
Store to get their
Prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
Front.

Only In
This Stupid World
....do People
order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
Coke

Only
In This Stupid World
....do Banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
Counters..

Only In
This Stupid World
.....do we leave cars worth thousands
Of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the
Garage.

Only In
This Stupid World ............do we buy hot dogs in packages
Of ten and buns in
Packages of
Eight..

Only
In This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines
With Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why The sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our
Skin?

Why
Don't you ever see the
Headline
'Psychic Wins
Lottery'?

Why Is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why
Is
it that
Doctors
call what they do
'practice'?


Why
Is
lemon juice made
With
artificial flavor, and dishwashing
Liquid
made with real lemons?

Why
Is
the man who
Invests
all your money called a
Broker?

Why
Is
the time of
Day
with the slowest traffic called rush
Hour?

Why
Isn't
there
Mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why
Isn't
there Cat flavored
Dog
Food?

Why
Didn't
Noah
Swat
those two
Mosquitoes?

Why
Do
they sterilize the
Needle
for lethal
Injections?

You
Know
that
Indestructible
black box that is used on
Airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that
Stuff?!

Why
Don't
sheep
Shrink
when it rains?


Why
Are
they called
Apartments
when they are all stuck
Together?

I
Like
this one!!!

If
Con
is the opposite of
Pro,
is Congress the opposite of
Progress?

If
Flying
is so
Safe,
why do they call the airport the
Terminal?

Now
That
you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the
Stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile
to
(maybe
even a chuckle)
..in
other words, send it to
Everyone.
We all need to smile every once in a
While.
Spread the
Stupidity,