Sunday Morning Funnies #5

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 25 cent coins to play with to keep him occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
 
The boy coughs up two of the quarters but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help..
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee..

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the quarters which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with Canada Revenue Agency!’  (IRS)

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A group of friends from the Cottonwood Christian Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. 

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too expensive." 

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There's plenty in the creek bed" She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison. He said, "Well, I see wild animals eating them and they're OK." 

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. 

The meal was a great success. Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear. 

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead. Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. 

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." 

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. 

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room. 

About this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know that fella that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.  
  
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.    

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'    

'Sure.'    

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.    

'No, I can remember it.'    

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'    

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries'    

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.    

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'    

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says -
 
'Where's my toast?'