Women are so touchy,,,,,,,,
"A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having quite a round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right at the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like your.............!
I don't remember much after that....."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa................;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,we would all be driving $2500.00 cars that got 100 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available as an E-Book H E R E! and H E R E! And as a paperback H E R E ! and H E R E !
"A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having quite a round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right at the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like your.............!
I don't remember much after that....."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa................;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,we would all be driving $2500.00 cars that got 100 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available as an E-Book H E R E! and H E R E! And as a paperback H E R E ! and H E R E !
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