Sunday Morning Funnies!

You think you have it bad now just because they cut off your electricity?

In the old days they would cut off your head!

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from
burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest
fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a
diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the
fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the
handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio
door.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived
on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to
the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance
arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife
uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was
treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the
toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was
in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She
ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers
had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of
his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband onto the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the
wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?

Just remember, it could be worse.....

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her
mentally retarded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of
them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally.......

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another version:

Deep thoughts....by Jack Handey


The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over today.

But you have the only ass.

Feel better now?


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another one:

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital ' s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in
the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all
of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits.


Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them
both.




Still think you are having a Bad Day????


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with
a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to
that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.



STILL think you ' re having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly,
all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn ' t pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown
to bits.

There now, feeling better????



Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available as an E-Book H E R E! and H E R E! And as a paperback H E R E ! and H E R E !