Three friends married women from different parts of the world…
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn’t t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from CANADA.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  • Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
  • A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  • Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
  • I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  • I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
  • You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
  • If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
  • Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  • If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  • No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
  • The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  • Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  • Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
  • You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
  • Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
  • Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
  • As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
  • If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
  • The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone
Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I
check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone
and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me
that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was
so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma
your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit."