When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the oldman,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there
I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied……………. “The balcony.”
The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Orange …………..Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother
may sometimes call your Father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
One day I accidentally overturned  my  golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and a keen golfer, who lived in a villa just off the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
Are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Its Jack and I’m OK thanks,” I replied.“Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I  answered, but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t
like it.”
After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons,  I thanked my hostess. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”
“Don’t be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart!”   I said…
A  radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan… spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “… You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan f**k yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee… spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “… You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!”
A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
–Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” she remorsefully replied.
–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
–Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”
–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
–Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
–won’t admit his name