Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river,
a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 – A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested
a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this
time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn’t believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor:
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.