Sunday Morning Funnies! # 55 3/4

A study conducted by the Perspective Research Department, along with the Naked News staff,  shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.

Health Canada should take note of that penis study.

There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population … of this man hath no greater fear.

To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division — currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra — to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.

Here’s what came up.

* These cigarettes are king size — and you’re not.

* Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

* If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Smoke rises — you may not.

* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — if you were capable of conceiving any.

* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there’s no before?

* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

* Continue Smoking– You just put your sex life in your hands.

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Deer Hunting

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where’s Harry?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered.

“You mean you left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”

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On A Flight

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John’s to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . … OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

One Newfie passenger yelled, “O Lard tunderin jesus b’y you should see the back of mine!”

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Canadian Flu

Have you heard about the new Canadian flu virus??

We call it “Infuenza eh!”

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Hell

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”. Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “what are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

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An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

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Canada Apologises To The US

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I’m Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it’s not like you actually elected him.

I’m sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you’d never do that.

I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt it! It’s very nice.

I’m sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. Because we’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I’m Anthony St. George, and I’m sorry.

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Canadian Border Problem

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The “unflinching determination” of the Bush administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and tenaciously agree with Bill O’reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other evening, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “he asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. when I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay.”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. so he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “not real effective,” he said. “the liberals still got through, and rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border for a fee, and then leave them to fend for themselves. “a lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload of them without a drop of drinking water. they did have a nice little Napa valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly about physical retribution from conservatives. rumours have been circulating about the Bush Administration establishing “re-education camps” for returning liberals, in which they will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch videos of old NASCAR races.

Liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap, Canadian prescription drugs.

After catching half a dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on “the Lawrence Welk show”, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” said an Ottawa resident. “how many art-history majors does one country need, eh?”

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, vice-president Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador in Washington and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. a source close to Cheney said, “we’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. and we might even put some endangered species on our postage stamps. the president is determined to reach out on this one.”