Sunday Morning Funnies #77

                                   

                   

Rules of Living

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship, “I apologize” and “You are right.”
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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More Rules For Living

• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes.
• I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
• I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
• I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
• I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o’ me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” He explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. ‘Hasn’t affected me brothers a bit though
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Things to remember…

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set
• A day without sunshine is like … night
• On the other hand, you have different fingers
• I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe
• You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
• Honk if you love peace and quiet
• Remember half the people you know are below average
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• I intend to live forever – so far so good
• Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states
• Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
• No one is listening until you make a mistake
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
• Two wrongs are only the beginning
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catchup
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines
• Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous … tomorrow
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you