A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Abigail – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Dearheart, that’s nice – are you taking me tae the pub with you? ‘
‘Nay,’ Fraser replied ‘I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.’

Southern Baptist Bra
A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy’s in New York City . He tells the sales lady, ‘I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size–34B.’
With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, ‘What kind of bra?’
He repeats, ‘A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.’
‘Oh, yes, now I understand,’ says the sales lady. ‘We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.’
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, ‘So, what are the differences?
The sales lady responds. ‘It’s really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.’
He muses on that information for a minute and says, Hmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?’
‘Ah,’ she replied, ‘the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!’

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the
strength of the lifeboats .
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist , and neither would take
out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing
~ Emo Philips .
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand .
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger .
I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology . I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical
~ Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
~ Jonathan Winters

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

images“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: ”Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?”

“Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees…






Ees… A ham bush.”