————-The Job Interview
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d shit in my pants!” He got the job!
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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
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Johnny’s Mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”
Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”
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PROTECT YOURSELF AND FAMILY- SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE PRETTY DARN SMART !!!!!!!!!!
NOT ALL THIEVES ARE STUPID!!
This has been around but maybe some missed it. Good things to know & heed.
1. Long-term parking.
Some people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car’s registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it. So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we should NOT leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote garage door opener.
This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.
2. GPS.
Someone had their car broken into while they were at a football game. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen. The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.
Something to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home address in it… Put a nearby address (like a store or gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no one else would know where you live if your GPS were stolen.
3. CELL PHONES.
I never thought of this…….
This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her cell phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet, etc., was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says ‘I received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’ When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.
Moral of the lesson.
a. Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc….
b. And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back.
c. Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you.
4. Purse in the grocery cart scam…
A lady went grocery-shopping at a local mall and left her purse sitting in the children’s seat of the cart while she reached something off a shelf… wait ’til you read the WHOLE story! Her wallet was stolen, and she reported it to the store personnel. After returning home, she received a phone call from the Mall Security to say that they had her wallet and that although there was no money in it, it did still hold her personal papers. She immediately went to pick up her wallet, only to be told by Mall Security that they had not called her. By the time she returned home again, her house had been broken into and burglarized. The thieves knew that by calling and saying they were Mall Security, they could lure her out of her house long enough for them to burglarize it.
Please, pass this along to your friends!!
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1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
14. Succeed in spite of management.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Just Jumpy the dog from Omar von Muller on Vimeo.
 

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