Sunday Morning Funnies #8

                                                                                 

   

Why Parents Go Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “ME.”
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Musician jokes!

How can you tell there’s a singer at your door?
They forgot the key and they don’t know when to come in!

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When the banjo lands in the exact center of the dumpster

… or the accordion.

How do you get two oboe players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.

What’s the definition of a semitone?
Two oboists playing in unison.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but there are three more standing by thinking, “I can do it better.”
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat miner.
How do you get a trombone player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What do you do if there is a trombone player limping around in your back yard?
Stop laughing and reload.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza feeds a family of four.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What’s the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.

What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead accordion player in the road?
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless.

How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
How do you know when there’s a drummer knocking on your door?
The knocking keeps speeding up and they don’t know when to come in.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the keyboardist can do it with one hand.
Find the one that doesn’t fit:
a.The Easter Bunny
b.An accordion player with a credit card
c.Salvador Dali
Answer: c. Salvador Dali. He’s dead but at least he’s real.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in unison.
What’s the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
An accordion takes longer to burn.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It’s a pretty obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
How do you make a guitarist play quietly?
Put sheet music in front of him.
Why do drummers keep their drumsticks on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
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The great American lament!
Why are we still there?
Enough!!! It’s time to re-evaluate our involvement!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Many of our children go there and never come back.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.
Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized barbarians.
Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.
Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?
We can’t even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can’t afford.
Why are we still there?
It is becoming clear…
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!
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Biblical Origins of Dogs and Cats
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other
 

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