The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
——————————————————-
A man walked into the ladies department of a Sears store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’
‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.
‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’
‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable .
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.’
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple… ‘
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
———————————————-
Estrogen issues!
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-‘.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space’
8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
————————————————————-
Listening to the commencement address by the new dean, Professor Papp turned to a woman sitting beside him.
“Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?”
Stiffening, the woman said, “I beg your pardon, but do you know who I am?”
Turning to study her, the professor replied, “Can’t say I do.”
“I’ll have you know that I am that ugly man’s wife!”
Drawing himself erect, the professor shot back, “And do you know who I am?”
“I haven’t had the pleasure,” she said icily.
“Good,” he replied, “then my job’s still safe.”
—————————————————
Questions not to ask at a job interview!
  1. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?
  2. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
  3. Do you have a random drug testing policy?
  4. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?
  5. How in depth are your criminal background checks?
  6. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
  7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
  8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
  9. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?
  10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
————————————————————–
Out to lunch one day, the immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.
“I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped.
“Hymie,” said Miklos, “are you choking?”
“No, I am serious!”
———————————————-
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
——————————————-
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!¦ I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”