Newfie Road Directions…
Ye`re not from around here…are you??
An American tourist was visiting a Small village in eastern Newfoundland .
He approached a local and asked,
“What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are ya walkin er drivin?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the tourist
“Well, that’s the quickest way!” Said the newfie.
A Japanese company and a Canadian company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Canadian team, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Canadian team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, the Canadian team’s management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the ”Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion given as to getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the Canadian team’s management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses except for the CEO who retired with millions of dollars as a personal bonus. The next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.”
An Italian Boy’s Confession
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Psychiatrist and P roctologistTwo doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
“Catatonics and High Colonics.”
Next, they tried
“Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.”
Thumbs down again.
Then came “Minds and Behinds.” Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in
“Lost Souls and Butt Holes.”
So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”
Not a chance.
“Nuts and Butts?” No way.
“Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.
“Loons and Moons?” Forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, “Odds and Ends.”
Everyone loved it.