Sunday Morning Funnies!

They don't like that in Heaven!

 

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

 

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

 

"They don't like that in heaven", said God........!

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Walmart either!”

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Haiku for Rednecks

BEAUTY

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE

A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS

Unemployment's out
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce the darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert

DRAMA

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
At 9 o'clock

DEPRIVED

In Walmart toy aisle
Wailing boy want's 'rassling doll
Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon pies and Red Man

PRIDE

Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

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Deteriorata

National Lampoon

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here... Deteriorata! Deteriorata! Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss... and when! Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing behind your back. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you. That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311; Ask for "Ken." Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with your god whatever you conceive him to be — hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing behind your back.