Sunday Morning Funnies #675834

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.  When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

                                                                                                                    

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. 

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

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A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house

while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe 

you're asking me about supper right now!

Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,

potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and

asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town," he replied.

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Three Woman  Golfers

Three women are playing the 4th  hole at Crow Canyon Golf course when a naked man wearing a  bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across  the green.

The 3 women  look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first woman says, “Well he definitely is not my husband."

The second  woman looks at his manhood and says,"He for sure is not my husband."

The third  woman takes a good look and says "He's not even a member of this club."

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Jack Kelly is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse,
his wife and three sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
..      My son, Sean, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
..      My son, Pat, you take the apartments over in the east end.
..      My son, Ryan, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
..      Mary, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the banks of the lake.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Jack slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs.
Kelly,
your husband  must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property".

Mary replies,  "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!" 

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While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s; he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a  Jameson’s ; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,  Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.  What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.