The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant.'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour. This American
should be put in his place.'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong
side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Finally, the kid, sick of the old man staring at him says, “What’s the matter old man? Ain’t you never done anything crazy in your life?”
Without missing a beat the old man replies, “When I was young I got drunk and had sex with a peacock once – I was wondering if you were my son.”
Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker…
Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. “Tell me your troubles my children.”
“Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury I suffered years ago,” the first man says.
“Be healed, child,” Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
“Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function,” the second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. The man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts “Don’t touch me! I’m on permanent disability!”
What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?
It’s either Sunni or Shiite.
A boy said, “Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married.”
His dad replied, “That is true in all countries.”
A team of scientists have invented a pill for sufferers of Alzheimer’s to take daily.
They didn’t think that through did they?
During a fight, the husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!”
“Oh yeah?” retorts the wife. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'”
How do you get a fly out of the kitchen?
Shit in the living room.
A little boy went running into his grandfather’s hospital room. Excited, he shrieked, “Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!”
The grandpa replies, “Why?”
Still excited, the little boy replies, “Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!”
Johnny Plays Doctor With Mary
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”