Sunday Morning Funnies #6967

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I’ll bet anyone in here a beer that my pet octopus here can play any instrument you bring before it.” So, a man brings up his bugle, and the octopus begins playing reveille. After downing his free beer, the man repeats his boast. Next a man walks up with a trombone. The octopus begins playing a Glenn Miller tune perfectly. Again the man drinks his beer and repeats his boast. This time, a man brings up some bagpipes. But instead of playing it, the octopus just looks confused. The man asks, “What’s the matter, can’t you play them?” To which the octopus responds, “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s clothes off!” 

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A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?” The farmer glares at the salesman and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!” The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.” The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?” The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!” 

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There was once a competition involving three grueling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.

And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.

Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.

As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.

And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?” 

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Sven’s walking down by the beach and sees Ole all sad and dejected. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “Oh, I tell ya, Sven … I’ve been working out, swimming at the beach here. I just can’t get the women to notice me.” Sven nods. “Ya know, Ole, I hear there’s a trick you can use. You take a potato and put it in your swimming trunks. I hear that makes the girls take notice.” Ole nods, “By golly, I’ll give that a try!” The next day, Sven sees Ole at the beach — still sad. “Ah, Sven” he sighs, “I tried that potato thing. It just didn’t work.” Sven looks at him and says: “Ya know, Ole … I think that potato is supposed to go in the front.” 

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A family wins a trip to a tropical island, and it’s just awesome. Blue sea, white beach, great people, great food… they just have a blast… except for one thing: Constant tribal drumming from a neighboring island. It just goes on 24/7. After two days the husband decides to ask a local what’s up with that, but everybody he asks ignores him. So he then walks to the harbor, gets into a canoe and starts paddling. “I’ll stop those damn drums myself!” he screams, which is heard by a local fisherman, who frantically stops the husband. “No stop drums! No stop drums!!”

“Well,” says the husband, “Why the hell not?!”

Says the fisherman: “After drum solo come bass solo.”

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AND FINALLY: (This is one of my favourites!)

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman’s pouring it the cowboy looks about him. ‘Where is everybody?’ he says. ‘Gone to the hanging,’ says the barman. ‘Hanging?’ says the cowboy.’Who they hanging?’
‘Brownpaper Pete,’ replies the barman.
‘Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?’
‘Well,’ says the barman. ‘His hat’s made of brown paper, his shirt’s made of brown paper, his jacket’s made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper.’ ‘Really?’ says the cowboy. ‘What they hanging him for?’
‘Rustling.’

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