Sunday Morning Funnies # 774

THIS is really, really funny if you're old enough to know what it means!

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An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. 
It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?'  asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,'  says the cop, 'I  didn't know..'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

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Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Wally didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail ???," cried Max!! "What in the world for ???"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. "

"The judge took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

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The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.

Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.” 

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Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years. Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!”