Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! (Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!)

My wife is right, I am anal retentive...., so now I keep a can of WD-40 next to the toilet! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Sunday Morning Funnies # 880

Dear Friends:

A few funnies to start off your Sunday: (Non offensive!)

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MISS Beatrice the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness And kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As she sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
  
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this,' pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? 

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
  
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

And do you know ..........., I haven't had the flu All winter!

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Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." 

"Why not?" she asked. 

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." 

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!" 

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The Picnic


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. 

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi "You really ought to try it. 

I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! 

You don't know what you're missing. 

You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. 

Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" 

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

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The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. 

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." 

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." 

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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The Twenty and the One

Down in the statees a well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. 

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to
Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." 

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" 

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" 

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the
Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, theLutheran Church ." 

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 

"Goat," the little boy replied. 

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom: 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "