Sunday Morning Funnies # 5

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

>>>>                     A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

>>>>                     "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

>>>>                     The blonde says, "Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

>>>>                     The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.  Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

>>>>                     The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?  What did you spray on the                           Easter  Bunny ?"

>>>>                     The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

>>>>                     (Are you ready for this?)  (You know you're gonna be sorry)

>>>>                     (Last chance)

>>>>                     (OK, here it is)

>>>>                     It says,


>>>>                     "Hair Spray
                     Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

----------------------------------

A Perfect Example ‘Newfie' Racism…

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. Here is a perfect example.

A man asked, "In what aisle would I find the Newfie sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, 

“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfie sausage, why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware!"

=-----------------------------------

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,  "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." 

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".

-------------------------------------

 -If I had a Toonie for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 

-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Take my advice — I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two blokes managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most men are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 

- Since tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.