Paraprosdokians
First time I heard about
paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which
the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected
and is frequently humorous.
(Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want
to be in it
2. The last thing I want to do is
hurt you .. but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster
than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd
both be wrong
5. We never really grow up -- we
only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is
right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato
is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your
fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application,
where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a
doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to
men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to
skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but
now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the
target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make
you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
16. You are never too old to
learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my
elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Sadly this is true!!! So.....
Spread the laughter, share the
cheer, let's be happy, while we're here.
**********************************
One
day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins & they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins & they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
*******************************
Live Long and Prosper
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2
hours.'
The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left and again, did not return that day..
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a
half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house! '
😊
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