Sunday Morning Funnies # 35489

THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB

Retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?”

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

  

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

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 A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. 

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" 

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! 

Please Doc, what's the good news?" 

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." 

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." 

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. 

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. 

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. 

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." 

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success 

Are you having any side effects?" 

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

 "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been

unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these

50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,

"I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't

pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would

be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery

you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”