Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!

Consciousness is not a phenomenon of the observable universe. It is that which makes the universe observable. Consciousness is the manifestation of God within us!

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Sunday Morning Funnies # 777


The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving  wife....... 
Tom's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year:   
 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for  answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could  hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation  as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have  experienced.  "Tom was unable to hold me or the  children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors  performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they  were able to piece together the crushed remnants of  Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." 
 Again, the  men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom  
 "Now," she  announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom  is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." 
 All the men  sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 
 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 
He  said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." 
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Mexican  Oysters 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied………… “Si, Señor, sometimes the bull, he wins”.

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TWO OLD  MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND  DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE  TOWN.  AFTER A  FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL 
THE  MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO  THE FIRST TWO  BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH  BED.
 
THESE  TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF  MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE  DIFFERENCE.' 
THE  MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN  GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS  THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN  SAYS,  'YOU  KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 
'DEAD?'  SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?' 
'WELL,  SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A  WITCH.' 
'A WITCH  ??. .. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY  THAT?' 
'WELL, I  WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK,  AND I GAVE  HER A  LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW.....
TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

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Memorable Password

 
!    
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word:    

mypenis.

 
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
 

The computer has replied:

TOO SHORT. ACCESS DENIED!