Sunday Morning Funnies #34558

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.   He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.  Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.  Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!  She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

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We gave you forty of these a few weeks ago, and now here are another forty! -Ed. 


41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
42. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
50. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

51. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

52. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
56. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
57. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
58. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
60. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Don’t miss: Play an adorable pixel art recreation of Star Trek
61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
68. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
70. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
74. When in doubt, mumble.
75. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

76. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

77. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
78. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
79. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.



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Cop Humour

Who says Canadian cops don't have a sense of humour?

The following were purportedly taken off actual police car videos around the country.

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC.” (Canadian Police Information Computer)

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”

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AND FINALLY:

This is the definitive survival guide for taking that all important dump at work...

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before entering the toilet.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.

TURD BURGLAR
A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

WATERMELON
A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level. This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELLETE
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE in sync.

UNCLE TED
A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other attendees.

FLY BY
The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the toilet even if it is just to check it out.