Sunday Morning Funnies # 75

What deep thinkers men are...         

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." 

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock. 

--------------------------------------

An American, an Englishman and a Scot are at a bar. Each of them orders a beer. As the bartender sets their drinks in front of them, three flies buzz in and each of them land in a beer.

The American pushes his drink toward the bartender and says, “There’s a fly in my drink. Pour me another.”

The Englishman picks the fly out, shrugs and takes a drink.

A sudden noise makes them glance over at the Scot, who is holding the fly over his drink and pinching it, saying “Spit it out, ye wee thievin’ bastard!”

-------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he is sitting there drinking his beer, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar. Out of nowhere the guy hears a voice that says,”Hey, nice shirt.” The guy turns around to see where the voice came from, but there is noone there. The bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, no sound is coming from the t.v. and he is the only patron, so the guy thinks he is just imagining things…..Continuing to eat more peanuts, the man hears the same voice-“Hey man, nice shoes.” Now the guy knows he heard something, but again there is no t.v. noises, music is low, and the bartender is still in the corner, so the guy calls the bartender over and asks,”Pardon me, but did you say something to me?” “No, I didn’t say anything to you,” he says, “What did you hear?” “Well,” the guy says,”someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later someone said, ‘nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you said it.” The bartender says,”Oh, I know what that was, its the peanuts, They’re complimentary.” 

----------------------------------------

A Charlotte, North Carolina man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the md won.

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that

an filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,

citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued an

the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

Check This Out:

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

---------------------

A young boy, about eight years old was  picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

 The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

 "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"