Sunday Morning Funnies #88

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new  restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted  Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat  her!"

So, they walked past it again...

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A man walks into a shoe restoration store (they don’t have them anymore). He hands over the ticket and the shoe repairer takes the ticket. Then it clicks. The customer recognizes him, though older.

Say, Aren’t you one of the greatest hunters ever? I’ve seen you splashed across magazine covers for…for ever. The shoe repair man looks at his customer squarely in his eyes and says “Yes.” “But, I died years ago.” They finish their transaction. The customer kept pushing. I can see you, I can touch you, you are living.

“The shoes repair man looks up and says, “You call this living?”

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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 It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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AND FINALLY: For all the guys:

God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. 

The bad news…! 

I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"