Sunday Morning Funnies #3.14

Dear Friends:

*The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad**’**s farm*

*, **and we all saw his pet sheep.*

*It was fascinating”.* *The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.*

*Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I

was fascinated”. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted

you to use the word fascinate”.*

*Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been

burned by Little Johnny before.* She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”

so she called on him.*

*Johnny said, “My aunt Narelle has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits

are so big she can only fasten eight!”*

*The teacher sat down and cried.*

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*A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life

finally retired.*

*At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the

medicines that had been prescribed for her.*

*As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized

Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.*

*"Mrs Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"*

*"Yes, they help me sleep at night"*

*"Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could

possibly help you sleep!"*

*She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I

know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of

orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it

definitely helps me sleep at night."  You got to love Grandmas!*

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*A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous

woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.*

*The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or

I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."*

*Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on,

honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."*

*A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up

your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"*

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*Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term

examination.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's

Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was

hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:*

*1)  It is perfect formula for the child.*

*2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.*

*3)  It is always the right temperature.*

*4)  It is inexpensive.*

*5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.*

*6)  It is always available as needed.*

*And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the

bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:*

*7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the

ground where the cat can't get it.  He got an A.*

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*An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his

bedside.*

*"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38

revolver so you will always remember me."*

*"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex

watch instead?"*

*"You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna

have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of

bambinos.  Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife

inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch

and say, 'Times up!' "*

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*A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.*

*It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. *

*"Mum," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"*

*"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.*

*The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him

the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money." *

*The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mum?"*

*His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."*

*After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mum, if those women have babies, what

happens to them?"*

*She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."*